Leaning on Others Without Losing Yourself

Robert F. Bornstein, PhD
Gettysburg College

Special from Bottom Line/Health

Our culture tells us that we're supposed to be independent and self-reliant. In fact, some psychologists contend that people who rely too heavily on others suffer from "codependency."

But all humans have an inborn need for other people. The key is learning how to express that need in a healthy way. This is true in every area of life -- friendship, work, parenting. It is especially crucial -- and often most challenging -- in our intimate relationships.

HEALTHY DEPENDENCY

As infants, we're completely dependent on our caregivers. However, if all goes well, we grow up with a sense of security and confidence both in ourselves and in others. This allows us to develop the ability to balance autonomy and intimacy -- leaning on others without losing sight of our own needs and goals.

Ideally, we are able to trust other people enough to open up and feel vulnerable yet remain self-confident enough to survive conflict and rejection. In intimate relationships, healthy dependency allows us to blend closeness, passion and commitment. When this occurs, we experience a sustaining intimacy that doesn't threaten our sense of self.

With healthy dependency, we also know that asking for help doesn't mean we're helpless. It can be an empowering opportunity to grow and learn and become stronger. Leaning on others doesn't make us feel weak, guilty or ashamed.

UNHEALTHY ALTERNATIVES

If you suffered early rejection by parents, an upbringing that fostered insecurity or ridicule by a teacher or coach, you may have problems practicing healthy dependency.

The result: Destructive overdependence or dysfunctional detachment.

People who are overdependent view themselves as weak and vulnerable, needing constant help to survive. They cling to others as a way of avoiding life's challenges. Their fear of being abandoned makes overdependent people preoccupied with pleasing others.

Overdependent types live in a state of perpetual anxiety, convinced that they will be abandoned. It's a bigger health risk than aggressive, hard-driving type-A behavior. That's because perpetual anxiety taxes the body's immune system, which increases the risk for illness and disease.

Partners of overdependent people often describe the relationship as "suffocating." They may feel more like a parent than a spouse.

Overly detached people, on the other hand, only connect on a superficial level. They're mistrustful of others and their motives, and they must always be in control of relationships.

Detached people put their health at risk by bottling up their emotions and may refuse to seek needed medical and psychological help. They keep spouses and family members at arm's length emotionally by becoming overinvolved in work and by keeping conversations trivial and changing the subject when serious matters threaten to break in. In marriage, a strong sexual connection may exist but not much emotional intimacy.

THE RIGHT BALANCE

Fortunately, there are a number of strategies for overcoming the most common blocks to healthy dependency.

If you're overdependent...

Wait 30 seconds before asking for help and/or reassurance. Do you need to call your partner when you're feeling a little down, or are there other ways to raise your spirits, such as taking a walk?

Become aware of triggers. If you typically need help with certain tasks, such as solving minor problems at work or saying no to friends who ask for inappropriate favors, push yourself to take action more often on your own.

If your partner is overdependent...

Set limits. If you feel burdened by demands for reassurance and help, gradually take more time for yourself -- and encourage your partner to do the same. Reassure your partner when he/she seems to need it most, and praise and encourage him when he behaves self-reliantly.

Be direct. Tell your partner in a loving, nonjudgmental way that your efforts to create space are not rejection but a desire to strengthen your relationship.

If you're overly detached...

Recognize that your relationship is in danger. That's because you may tend to sever ties rather than cope with the difficulty inherent in a relationship. Recognizing this is the first step toward positive change.

Ask for help and support. Think of it as a way to connect rather than a sign of vulnerability.

Expect anxiety. In the beginning, intimacy will trigger anxiety. Start with minor, manageable situations.

Example: Work on finances or vacation plans together before trying to discuss your feelings for each other.

This may seem stressful, but it will help you get more comfortable, so you can deal with the challenge of being more open emotionally.

If your partner is overly detached...

Connect in nonthreatening ways. Say you'd like to sit closer together while watching TV... suggest sharing tasks, such as laundry, shopping or household repairs.

Offer help. Detached people are threatened by asking for help, so offer it -- with no strings attached. Avoid creating feelings of indebtedness and obligation. That may make a detached person even more distrustful and withdrawn. If there's no obligation, your partner will become more comfortable with the idea of leaning on you.

Don't take things personally. Overly detached people often have little insight into the problem. Accept that your partner has a fear of intimacy and isn't being standoffish out of arrogance or cruelty.

WHEN DEPENDENCY CHANGES

In all relationships, the balance of need and support changes over time. One partner -- usually because of health problems -- may need to rely more heavily on the other. The challenge is to remain comfortable with the situation so you can accept the help you need.

Most important: Remember that asking for help doesn't mean you're helpless. You're still an autonomous person despite your need for assistance with some aspects of your life. Think of your ability to accept reality as a mark of strength and wisdom.

If you're caring for a partner who needs your help, get support from friends, family and/or professionals. Doing everything on your own is a recipe for burnout.

4/11/04